Filthy F*ckers

If there is a trend in our stories, its this: people keep a low profile and succeed for awhile at it, but eventually, your profile spikes, and I'm waiting for you. And suddenly, you are presented with your history in the building. And I can be incredibly detailed.

And you move.

They had been in the building for about 20 years. I honestly can't tell you when their brains moved out, but I think it was a long ass time ago. He is a weird looking guy-rather intense, but he was there enough to 'get it' so to speak. He noticed the changes in the building. He was asking questions in the direction of "my time here is limited". She was a fucking goner. Ding dong! Nothing's home upstairs. Honestly, I don't want to mock too far, as it may have been some type of industrial accident that caused brain damage instead of super powers. Ok, so that was mocking. Whatever, it might have been inbreeding, and I'm ok with that.

One day, he stops and gets a concerned look on his face as he asks Dino, "hey, you were an archaeologist, right?"

"Yeah"

"so, what are your thoughts on the lost city of Atlantis?

Oh shit buddy. We just had to add you to the ABM list. Done. There's no coming back from that.

Sidebar: The ABM List.

ABM stands for "Always Be Moving" Actually pre-dates the buildings, as I invented the term when I met an old neighbor at a dumpy building and she had no teeth and would start going off on any old story that seemed important to her. So basically, if you are always moving, they can't pin you down and ask you random crap.

She did the finances for the pair, and after living here for 20 years, do you think she'd ever be able to fill out a check without an error? Not once. She knew to initial everything, but you'd see a little "FF" on every check. The change in year would throw her off until June.

June.

Oh, and they smell. Did I mention that? In three years, I never figured out what the cause of the smell was. As, I could ever so subtlety say, "Hi! Great to see you. Well kind of. While we are having a conversation about general items, would you mind upping your shower regimen to twice a month?" or perhaps, "hey! Have you heard of the Crest line of teeth care products?" or even a "Hey! You are the 1 millionth person to enter the front door. Here's a bottle of Mr.Clean. Directions are on the bottle. Oh yeah, that is super nice of me. It was completely random." But I never figured it out. It just smelled like...them. And it was bad.

I should also mention that their apartment looks like a flop house. They've trashed the floors, the walls are gross and dirty-just bad.

So, already, and I don't know if this is coming across...I wouldn't shed a tear if they left.

So smelly dumb folk. And that's the way it went. Then they got bedbugs.

Oh yay! Smelly dumb people with a pest control problem. F'ing brilliant.

So we sprayed, and then a neighbor got bedbugs. Check their apartment again, and yes they have them.

So we sprayed again, and then another neighbor got bedbugs. Checked their apartment and found them...again.

Their sofa, which was now the primary choice for sitting, eating, and sleeping, was teaming with them.

And they said they never saw anything. At this point, I'm furious. So the plan was put in motion. In a vote of 4-2, they were to be evicted from the Big Brother House.

So I go in, and I tell them, again, that they have bedbugs. I tell them that their sofa is full of them. Furthermore, the last pest guy told them explicitly that they needed to get rid of the sofa.

"Well, we can't really afford to go and buy a bed, but if you say we need to get rid of the sofa, then we'll get rid of it"

"Well, at this point, you can do whatever you want. Because I'm done. We aren't spraying this apartment anymore with you in it. You have two options. One, I can evict you, and I have that form right here prepared. You can choose to fight it, but please be aware that I don't do these things lightly. And I'm very good at what I do. I will win. At that point, anyone that calls for a reference will be told why exactly you are leaving, that it is an eviction, and that it is for non-compliance with bedbug eradication procedures. That will make your apartment search...exhaustive.

Or, you can choose to leave, at which point, I'll feel compelled to say that you gave notice to leave, and we'll end the conversation there."

It only took me 5 minutes to have a signed letter in my hands. I guess they got it after all.

The Record Holder

When we take over a new building, it usually takes a few months for the problem tenants to nominate themselves to the shit-list...in this case, it only took 8 hours.

We took possession of the building on the 31st of the month. That day was mostly spent meeting with the ex-building manager, looking over paperwork, handing out notices, meeting tenants, collecting keys, and general 'switch over' duties. I had also heard that there was a pending arbitration case with the tenancy board, so I made sure that all the paperwork and information was correct as I would be taking over the case.

It was a simple case; tenant made partial payment for rent 2 months prior and had not paid rent since. The previous manager had told me this guy was a 26 year old self-entitled punk who had several noise complaints against him on top of not paying rent, and loved to confront his neighbours when they complained. Awesome. I had all the info that I needed and within the next few days was going to make contact with him to let him know I was taking over the case and to 'feel' him out. Fortunately (or, unfortunately), about 4 hours after acquisition, he phoned me. Right off the bat, I could tell that the previous managers description of him was pretty damn accurate. He tried to control the situation, talked a lot of shit about the old manager, told me random irrelevant stories about the building, him being 'friends' with everyone, and, of course, the reason he 'refused' to pay rent: he claimed that the old manager had entered his apartment without permission and he was withholding it to prove a point....ya, whatever.

I gave him a proposal: Come up to date with his outstanding rent and pay rent the following day (the 1st) for the next month's rent and I would wipe the slate clean. It should be noted that taking over an arbitration case is never a good thing, especially when the previous manager is a fucking idiot (and this guys was a MAJOR fucking idiot). You need to put a lot of faith in the fact that it was done correctly...papers were served correctly, forms were filled out properly, and that the claim is actually valid. I was on the fence about taking over the case, but really did not have another choice as it had already been filed.     

He had told me over and over that money was not the issue, he was rolling in money, and it WAS just to prove a point. I HIGHLY recommended that he take my proposal as he really did not have a case. A judge was literally going to ask him one question: did you pay rent? He says, "no", and the case is closed. He said he would think about it. Conversation went fairly well, I could tell the dude LOVED to talk and he very much thought he was right. I reiterated the fact that I run building very differently and that any problems he had with past managers, he would not have with me.

Later that night, my phone rings. It is the tenant next to him who tells me that buddy next door has his music cranked and will not turn it down. He continues to tell me his ongoing issues with they guy...I listen...attempt to mitigate...tell him I'll take care of it. I phone buddy for a 'friendly' "Hey! How is it going? I have had some complaints about music, would you mind just turning it down a bit...its a wood frame building...noise travels...blah blah blah". Yeah. Not so much. Dude literally loses his shit within 2 seconds of me talking. He is talking in circles about people in the building, "his rights", the asshole ex-manager, the dude down the hall who has people over some times, etc...literally anything he can think of to complain...like, shit that happened months ago. Clearly this guy is drunk/high as he is slurring his words and just going nuts. It escalates and turns into him swearing at me and calling me names (which, honestly, never effects me) and telling me to call the cops because, "they won't care because I am friends with them". Ya dude, I'm sure you are.

I hang-up on him as I am starting to lose my cool and call the neighbour back. I tell him to call the cops if it continues, explain the upcoming court case, and ask him to be patient. Two mins later I get a call from another tenant telling me that buddy is in the hallway screaming and pounding on doors. There goes my night.

I get to the building in about 5 mins and confront him. Now, although I have talked to the dude on the phone, this is my first time seeing him. A 5'2" little tattooed roid monkey answers the door. I try my best not to laugh. We start going at it, him circling again, tells me he is a boxer, and trying to direct the conversation. He calls me arrogant, a fucking bitch, condescending, and anything else he can manage to put together in his coked out drunk stupor. The whole thing literally ends with him telling me he is going to win in court, he is never going to leave, I am wrong, he knows everything, then he tries to start a physical fight with someone else who was there, and then finally he retreats to his apt. I tell everyone to phone the police should he start again.

I hear nothing for days and soon the court date is upon us. I half expect him to not show, but he does in all his cocky self-entitled glory. I can tell from the get-go that buddy thinks he has this nailed down, no problem, he is going to win. Oh, how deluded they can be some times. Case lasts about 10 mins with the one question asked by the judge: did you pay? "no". That was pretty much it...he got pretty agitated while trying to bring up irrelevant shit and the judge shut him down pretty quickly and practically called him an idiot. Again, it was hard not to laugh. Judge rules an order of possession that takes effect 48 hours after it arrives in the mail. I debate contacting him to see what he is planning on doing. I fully expect him to continue the fight, as he is totally "right". Turns out, hours after the judge ruled, he packed up all his shit quietly and slipped out like the little pussy he is. He even cleaned the apartment.

Made my job easier. If it wasn't for the fact that he is the record holder for putting himself on the shit-list within 8 hours of taking over the building, this dude would have been easily forgettable. It did make for some immediate entertainment though.