Phat Bastard

At our main building, in recent history, there was the crazy chick that I already wrote about that managed for years, but after she left and before we started, there was Phat Bastard. 

He lasted 3 months. 

I never really get the full story on things, as the owners we work for don't seem to relish in the stories of building past the way I do, but I pick things up in bits and pieces. 

He came in under the guise of being tough and effective. I guess after the better part of 8 years spent with the hippie love in, "pay what you can, when you can" attitude of the previous manager, they were wooed with the idea of actually having rent in on time. 

He used to sit in the lobby on the first, and hassle people as they came through the door for their rent. He also threatened to remove the front door of people that were late. He made a woman climb in the dumpster to remove old clothes that she had thrown out, for some reason. Oh, and he was a bit of a drunk. 

Now, I don't have a lot of details on this guy, but as a person that has had to remove the front door to an apartment(for legit purposes), I can tell you..that's a lot of freaking work. If I were an asshole guy, and according to some, I may just be, I might be tempted to call your bluff on that one. 

I also can think of a lot of things I would rather do than sit in the lobby and chase people down for rent. You know what I find works wonders? Taking a few minutes to fill out the 10 day "pay to stay" notice. A little tape on the door and you're done! Added benefit: anyone that walks past your door sees that a) you don't pay your rent and b) if I don't pay my rent, I'll get one as well. 

I only met the guy once, and I wasn't left with a warm fuzzy feeling. We had gotten the keys early on what was to be our apartment and I wanted to paint it before we moved in, as it was pink. Seriously...pink. Who starts rolling pink in an apartment and says, "hmm, a nice neutral color suitable for all" and then proceeds to hit the yellowed ceiling with the roller repeatedly enough to have a stripe around the room. So I'm bringing some equipment in and he stops me at the elevator. 

"Hey. What er you doing?" 

"Oh. Hi! You must be Phat Bastard(the beer belly pokin' out of the ill-fitting Molson Canadian t-shirt was a dead giveaway). I'm painting our apartment." 

"No one told me about that" 

Remember me mentioning that I may just be a bit of an asshole on occasion? 

"Well, I guess you are on a need to know basis. Excuse me." 

He wasn't missed.

Sometimes Talking is Their First Mistake

A couple with their kid comes to look at a kind of shitty 2 bedroom we have in one of the secondary buildings. It's been a biatch to unload. This is the one where Black Betty^^ lived. 

So I'm showing them around and they seem "alright". He's doing most of the talking, the wife seems nuts and the kid is cute but f'ing loud. Not necessarily something that is going to happen all the time, but you start to think. 

Dino and I switch off, and the first thing she notices is the wife is kind of doing the Hastings Shuffle and I had already noticed the teeth. Or lack of teeth. 

So they start telling their story. They don't have a reference from the previous landlord, because he had called Child Protective Services on them! Nice! BUT they had a letter from them saying that they found nothing in the investigation. 

Sooo...you are saying that you met, at least the minimum level of child care needed, but the landlord thought that you did not? 

I don't know, but is that grey area between "you beat your child enough" and "you beat your child too much" something we want to find out? 

Here's a Top Gear Top Tip for sketchy people trying to rent a place. SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'm very happy that you are no longer on meth. That's awesome. I however, do not take as much pride as you do. Therefore, don't tell me. You say rehab and I say relapse. It's that simple. I'm picturing this all going downhill once life gets a little tough and you are back on the pipe. Call me a cynic if you will. 

These people didn't do the meth talk, but I don't need to know that CPS was involved. You don't have a reference. Well, that's a problem. I would suggest "lie" before showing me a letter from CPS. There are ways around a reference problem, but difficult if the rest of you screams 'sketch'. 

You just walk away scratching your head remembering you wasted 30 minutes of your life on this shit.

Closer(I Want to *woof* You Like an Animal)

First rent is late. Then rent bounces. Then its more late. Then its a 10 day eviction notice. Normally that's the point where people decide to move on, as they can no longer afford life. She decided to take the 10 day notice. 

Ok. 

Real simple. Dino told her that if you leave the apartment clean, then you are off the hook. She told Dino to keep the security deposit in lieu of lost rent. 

So she leaves, and Dino goes in and nothing is clean. There is boxes of food in the cupboard and the bathtub. Oh the bathtub. What a beautiful before photo for comet. 

Cool. Normally we tend to chalk these things up to life lessons, and move on. Dino snapped. She actually snapped awhile ago where we've learned all the "life lessons" we need to learn, and its time for others to share in that joy. 

So off she goes to dispute resolution. Dino sends the notice registered mail, and it never gets picked up. She texts her, and the tenant asks what is in the package. Dino tells her, and the response is classic. 

"You know, my father said you'd try to *woof* me." 

My first reaction was, dude! You *woofed* us! Second, we've never met your father, so how the hell would he know any different. 

So Dino goes to arbitration and its a clear win. The judgey person actually declared a full win on the spot, which they usually don't do. 

Here's the deal. And it shocks me how people don't get this. We're not out to *woof* anyone. We don't get a single dime from holding your security deposit. Occasionally I get paid for repairs out of damages withheld. Honey, making $50 to patch holes in your walls is a pain in my ass, is shit that I don't want to do and for the difference $50 makes to my bottom line, I'd just prefer to not do it at all. I don't even invoice for less than $100. Oh, and we also don't get paid more to spend our time chasing you through the RTB. 

So maybe when we say, clean it to the point of *woofing* spotless because we don't want to deal with it-you'll listen. 

The funny thing was, the arbiter actually pointed out that our costs were significantly less than what could have been charged. So who's *woofing* you now? 

Black Betty

First the title I chose. She wasn't actually black, but Black Betty was in the movie Blow and this story features cocaine. Fuck yeah!

We knew there was a problem whenever we had to talk to her, because she'd come around through the sliding patio door instead of the front door. Why? Well, its usually either we don't like prying eyes seeing the state of the apartment, or there is shit piled in front of the door as we have run out of room to store said shit. Notice I said its usually one or the other? This was both. 

She knew everyone in the building. Anyone else's dope that they were getting in shit for was coming from her apartment. Quite the little entrepreneur. Dino and I are vehemently against pot in our buildings. It's an uphill battle. 

So she was handy when she gave us enough dirt to evict others. I'm also going to say, she was really a nice(r) person. I wouldn't have her over for tea and crumpets, but she didn't have that attitude of the world is out to get me, and you are part of that world, therefore I hate you. 

But then someone told us about a party from the night before that featured 3 out of 10 apartments converging into a mega party, that then ended up with a hammer being wielded, dents in someone's front door from said hammer and this girl being arrested. 

We go the next day and hear about it, and first its like why the hell wouldn't someone call us, but its like watching the Hangover. What the fuck happened here last night, and we need to get this shit together. 

So we start knocking our way down the doors until finally we get to hers. Bingo! That's the look we were looking for. Stringy hair, pale, kinda smelling like vomit and a raging headache. 

In the middle of that, Dino busts out on her, "dude, I hate to pile on to your day today, but this needs to end. Are you going to give me a letter that says you are moving, or am I going to give you one?" 

And pause. 

Here's a tip. This shit works more than you realize. This is the secret between someone that looks pro, and some bullshit manager that can't keep his head out of his ass. We have yet to actually go through with an eviction. Why? They are long, drawn out affairs and until its done, you are always waiting for what damage is going to happen, and what bullshit you are going to have to go through. Ask for the fucking sale!

"Hi! Do you want me to fuck you today, yes or no?" It's that easy. Here's what fucking you looks like: security deposit? gone. Suing for additional damages? Check Shitty reference? Oh check yeah. You need a list of what I'm going to use to evict? Here it is. Need I continue? 

Or, we can bring this to an end, get you some money back from your deposit, smooth out a few rough spots in a reference call and shake hands. 

This only works if there is a hint of logic left. Some people are just too far gone. These are the people that think the way they live is normal, which ps, flip open Canadian Living or BH&G. Do you see a picture that resembles your home? Then no honey, it ain't normal. The only one that we had to pursue in this manner was the heroin addict from page 1 or 2. Obviously, logic wasn't going to work on him, although as I type that, I did convince him to sign a paper releasing any claim to his damage deposit. 

And un-pause. 

So we pull up to the end of the month, and she has found a place to live. So this just in, there is an owner of a basement suite that should really learn to properly vet tenants. 

The place looks worse than those abandoned Chernobyl apartments. The beige carpet is black. The walls look like swiss cheese. Dino had to use the washroom and called to ask if she could go in, and gets an answer of yeah, I'd prefer not. There's blow on the kitchen counter. 

Hawt. So friggin' hawt. 

The carpet guy was there for 5 hours cleaning the carpet. He said straight up that he could do a 4 bedroom house in the same amount of time.

Anyway, we made good, and shook hands. 

I did have to put my 2 cents in, and as she asked me for help in removing something, I turned to her, alone, and said, "you know, I think you really owe Dino a real thank you, because if this was my building-I'd fuck you. Straight up. This is fucking ridiculous." 

And she did. It was truly sincere. In the end, I hope a little bit she makes good on her promise of getting her shit together.

Let's Talk Morris Court

First, it's on a completely different system than any other building. We report to a property manager. We go in to interview, and the office is straight up 1972. They have a typewriter, and it gets used. The furnishings read like a who's who of craigslist's 'free' top posters. The shut down elementary school was a huge score. I'm not going to lie, I checked under the conference table for gum. 

We have an informal interview, which is kind of weird. It's like he asks a question, and then there is the awkward moment of which person is going to answer. Dino does. All of 'em. I end up sitting there looking pretty. It really is weird out-numbering the interviewer. 
It’s also weird knowing the guy. 
As the interview is wrapping up, Dino asks a usual question, "how many others are you interviewing for the position?" 

"Well, given that you guys are normal, and speak english, I was kind of hoping you'd take the job. I don't want to call the others. They're crap." 

Well, that's cool. On that note, we're going to just take a raise right away. True story. We asked for an additional 30% on the spot. PS-what is it with these jobs appealing to angry eastern Europeans? That was our competition anyway. Apparently it was one resume after another of communism`s left-overs. 

Then we`re told about the owner. His routine was: he enters the building, goes to his office, goes to his bathroom, then exits the building. So, take a guess what his complaints may pertain to?Well, weeds growing along the stairs to the back door. Leaves in the stairwell. Lint in the laundry room. That is the extent of the concerns he has with the building. My list grew to be slightly more expansive. Did I mention Cokie the Bear lived here? Yes, leaves are a concern, but a heroin addict hardlining on the first floor is fine. 

My favorite was the lighting. The hallways were pitch black. The halls are about 30-40 feet long, and there were 2 florescent tubes-one at each end. In fact, it was so dark that the red glow from the exit signs cast more light. If you want to make your building look appealing to crime-turn the lights off! It had this seedy underworld thing going for it. You know all those creepy apartment buildings they show in the movies? The ones where the bad guy is holding out, and the good guys end up shooting him? Yeah, filmed at Morris Court. 

There used to be lights. Lights use power. Power costs money. Money cuts profits, ergo-nuke the lights. We actually had to sneak the bill through as an ‘emergency repair` to avoid the wrath of the owner. Easy to do as walking down the hall didn`t enter into the routine. 

You know what else costs money? Heat. If you just go and turn that off, you can save a fortune. There was a switch installed that cut power to the whole heating system. He`d pop by in the afternoon when it was warm, and turn it off. Then leave. We`d get a call at around 10pm-you know, that sweet time when you are climbing into bed when you get a call from someone asking who they have to fuck to get some heat. 

These were annoyances. We managed to ignore them. Then I started to work on an apartment. That`s when it got interesting. 

One of the units needed to be painted. I was doing some of the prep and I wanted to fix the texture of the ceiling, as some of it was peeling. Now, i know enough not to make love to this shit, as it contains some bad stuff, so I take a blade and quickly flake off the loose stuff. As soon as I touched it, no word of a lie, a square meter slowly started peeling off the ceiling, in slow motion. 

Nooooooooo. That sucks. The stink was unreal. There is nothing quite like the smell of disturbed mold. And holy fuck! The ceiling under the texture was black with it. At this point, my nice little 2 day rehab was over. I decide to investigate a little further and see how far it goes. I cut a hole in the closet and discover this green and red stuff growing in a semi-circle pattern. 

Oh. I should mention-it was already rented for occupancy in 12-13 days. 

I have a remediation company come the next day and even they didn`t know what the green and red organic aids was in the closet. Encouraging. I tell them the scoop, and he makes a few phone calls. Comes back with a plan. Pending pricing approval, they can have a crew in the next day, peel everything, contain and remediate over the weekend, and you should be able to have drywallers working in like 4 days. I do some quick math, and it should be able to be done by the 1st-barely. Of course-the mold guys wanted $8000 minimum plus extra work, and we`d be left with a destroyed apartment. My drywallers would have been good for probably $1500 on a rush job. BUT-its rented, and mission impossible, she`d be able to take possession. 

I make my rushed phone call, and I`m told-we`re going to need a second opinion. We`re sending a guy. He comes, and takes forever and tells us he should be able to have a quote into us by next week. 

Next week? Dude-the other guys were going to be done by next week. 

And then we hear nothing. We finally step out on a limb and rip up her lease, as we wanted to do originally. Thanks to the whole situation, that gave her about 5 days to find a new apartment. 

The owner cancelled everything. Too expensive. And so far, it has sat there-for a year. So what`s more expensive? The remediation would have been paid for by now. Instead, we have a dead apartment that still needs to be fixed, and we are now a further $9000 in the hole. 
Ultimately, we gave up on trying to improve the building. We have yet to rent an apartment for a dollar more than it was previously rented for. We then even stopped trying to actively maintain the building-even that was running up against a wall. We now do the bare minimum needed to make the phone calls stop-and its not from laziness, but pure frustration.

Moron Manor

We were talking to a building owner about taking on her property. It was like 12 units maybe? Can't remember. Anyway, we are standing in a bachelor apartment having our meeting, and already, I'm feeling this whole, "I don't like, nor trust you" vibe. She was pretty, and dressed well, but just had this stink about her. 


We start talking about the building itself. It's a dump. It gets vacuumed about once every 2 weeks, the halls haven't seen paint in decades. Then we're talking about rents, and she says the apartment we are standing in goes for $775. W-T-What the Mother F? I wish I had taken a picture. Some tiles had fallen off the backsplash, and were just replaced with any tile that fit. There is a leaky fridge stranded in the corner. Shitty laminate. It was just a dive.


She continues on telling us about the building-and it gets better. She has a fantastic tenant that lives downstairs. She’s been there for years-pays like $500 a month. Her apartment is beautiful. 


So we asks a very logical question, “well don’t you do annual rent increases?”


“Oh, the branch allows you to increase it, what $20 a month, what’s the point?”


So we table that for the moment. 


We get back to the rental system. She explains that the building makes like no money, so apartments can’t sit without a tenant. If we get to the end of the month and we don’t have a tenant for a unit, then she’ll come out and put anyone in it, and deal with whatever happens. 


Remember that great tenant paying $500 a month? No relevance at all, I’m sure. 


So we talk money, and here’s the offer. Sorry, wait. Just wanna throw out some stats. We have: 
-increased rent revenue by 20% at one building
-increased individual apartment rents by a minimum of $100 per apartment
-basically rocked the shit job wise. Took this on, and so re-defined what the job entailed that we started teaching people how to do it in other buildings. 


Cool. That said. She offered us $300 per month. For that, we got to rent out all the apartments, deal with the phone calls from all the tenants and work for some Gucci wearing chick that had no interest in the building whatsoever. 


I’m standing there, in an apartment I swear god built himself with his own two fucking hands to teach low income people about the value of education listening to her offer me $300 per month to take it off her hands. Honey-$300 isn’t going to cover the gas, nor potential bullet holes from driving to this godforsaken hellhole. Yes, for the purposes of this story, I am saying that God himself built it, then forgot it. 


So I try to put a different spin on it-maybe there is value in a cost-plus arrangement. I tell her, we’d consider acting as a rental agent. You have vacancies, and we’ll take care of renting them. For a price. I would want $100 per apartment. No vacancies=no money. More vacancies=more money. Phone calls bill out at $30/hour. 


Let’s be clear, on the spot I just saved her: the cost of an onsite manager. And let’s be clear, an onsite manager here is going to be recruited from Insite. The cost of driving out from downtown everytime a tenant calls her. And it saves the cost of her time. She can officially set it and forget it. If we don’t get used, she doesn’t have to pay. 


I thought I was pretty brilliant. Especially with 10 seconds of thought. 
And she starts trying to negotiate on the fact that 2 vacancies isn’t nearly twice the work of one. No shit. I’m trying to scrape together a deal here that makes it at least plausible that I am a little interested in attaching my name to this Bedbug paradise. If that means we actually make money for coming to the 7th circle of hell for 2 apartments rather than one-so be it!
Finally, we ended up saying yes just to end the interview and get out of there. I was so thirsty from talking, and definitely did not want water from that building. We get in the car and had an e-mail sent before we made it home saying we changed our minds. 


We could have turned that building around. We could be the assholes that went up to the wonderful tenant living in the “beautiful apartment”, and told her she has 2 months to vacate. Here’s a check. We could be the jersk that handed out rent increases for everyone. Maybe make sure that the halls got cleaned more than twice a month by a man that wasn’t blind. Dirt was ground so far into the carpet that it was growing new dirt. We could have done it on a shoestring budget. 


But we weren’t going to do it for free.

Types of Potential Renters

End of previous month/Beginning of the month: People to tend to be more cautious in life. They do not want to give notice at the current place without having somewhere to go. They make quick decisions but tend to look for places that are renovated/updated and care about the neighbours and building. These people confirm their appointments, show up early, and if they can't make it or find another place before they look at yours, they call and cancel politely. 

Mid-month: Have given notice to their current place and are looking a apartments causally. They want to see EVERYTHING that is available and they are looking EVERYWHERE....Richmond, Van, New West, Burnaby, Coquitlam, Surrey, etc...They do not make quick decisions as the do not want to make a bad one. They take applications with them instead of filling them out at the building and always say "we will get back to you". These lookers also tend to pull A LOT of no-shows. They are in no rush and have looked at dozens of place, so if they are tired after work, "fuck it, lets just sit and watch tv". These people are super annoying to deal with and always waste my time. These are the people that get back to you 10 days later and are annoyed when it is no long available.

End of Month: The desperatos!! These people will take ANYTHING! They walk in the door, stand, look, and ask for an application. They offer cash to hold it until the application is approved. They don't care about the layout, renos, neighbours, building, etc....they just want it....they NEED it! They will do ANYTHING to get it!! These people usually have shitty credit, little to no income, and have already been rejected from a lot of places. This lot also includes people going through break-ups, divorces, fights with room-mates, and people getting kicked out of their current places. The odd time you find a diamond in the rough....usually these ones are left overs from the mid-monthers who have waited to long to make a decision about the dozens of place they have already seen and now have realized, they are fucked and need a place ASAP. These people rarely pull a "no-show" and when they phone, they want to see it NOW!