Stupid Girl

So we have this woman, that's a hiiint of an alcoholic. By hint, I mean 'way'. But functional. Well, except our first week on the job when she was escorted home by police. Functionality is a sliding scale. She was never quite bad enough to be on the hitlist. 

So, a year goes by and she complains about little things and is kind of annoying, but whatever. Then, we start seeing this strange dude huffing and puffing his way through the halls. 

No sooner do we get an anonymous letter under the door. 

Oh yeah. This guy used to live here. Oh! This guy was busted smoking crack in the laundry room. Hot. 

So down we go for a little conversation. We are informed that he doesn't live here, and understand that there is a process he'd have to go through in order to do so. 

Over the next months, we monitor his activity, and it does indeed look like he lives here. But please keep in mind, I'm too stupid to notice. :rolleyes:

So finally a few months ago, my partner in crime sees him having small talk with another building loser. He's fumbling for his keys and the other guy says, "oh, you live here, its cool" as dino walks by and says,

"well thats a bit of a question now, isn't it?"

So today, we are in the lobby, and out of the corner of my eye I see him at the front door...but then I don't. It hits me to go to the back door. And I see him...then I don't. 

I think to myself, "Oh dude, you are shitting me!"

So I busy myself in the car for a sec, and then go inside, then go back out and I see him hobbling around the corner and then turn around again. 

Once again, to myself I ask, "what the fuck is this?"

Now, I must stop for a second. I did well in school. I went to post-secondary. I had a promising career before quitting it to work for myself. I'm not going to be a member of mensa, but I can hold my own at a dinner party. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm not an idiot and can realize that someone doing this: 

THREE fucking times is fucking bullshit. 

And I HATE bullshit. I think I hate it more than anything else. I'd actually have more respect for someone saying they gambled their rent money on a nigerian business scheme that promises amazing results more than a bullshit lie. I would like to see the lie that's better than that, but I respect honesty. 

So, we continue to the grocery store, and I'm fuming mad. 

And when I'm fuming mad...I like resolution. 

So we get home and I knock on the door. 

me"hey, your boyfriend home?" 
them"yeah, just a second"

It was way more of a second as they were questioning inside just what the fuck I was there for. So he comes out. 

me"hey! what was that display downstairs earlier?" 
Dumbfounded look
me"oh, you know, where you were trying to avoid me? Why were you trying to avoid me?"
and silence. 
silence
and silence
them"Well, I don't like you" 
Good fucking answer! You are like the best at digging your self out of a bad situation. 
me"And why is that?"

And stop. I stand there. In silence, waiting for his mind to produce the next glimmer of excellence. 

In order for me to have dinner at some point tonight, I finally let him off that hook. 

me"Let me help you out. Is it because you've been living here for the last year, and you know that we are on to you? Is it because you didn't want me to see you using a set of keys to my building that I did not provide? Could that be it? Because I'm a little curious of how you could not like me seeing as I know you don't even know me. The reason I know you don't know me is I certainly don't know you. And that is a problem, because as we have established, you've been living in my building."

You want to see a stunned, deer in headlights look in a human? Rattle that off in their face. I have a skill...I can motherfucking talk...fast. And I continue with the death kill: 

me"So how do you like me now?" 

So they tell me I'm wrong. He doesn't actually live here. 

Ok. 

me"Where do you live?"
them"Burnaby" 
me"Cool. That narrows it down. Can i have an address?"

And here is the kicker that does it in...

them"Well, who are you going to report it to?" 

This becomes very important in the after action analysis. 

The conversation continues, and boils down to the following. You have options: 

1. He fills out an application, goes through the same credit check/reference check as everyone else. Approval is not guaranteed. We also amend your rent as its no longer single-occupancy. 
2. You move-one way or another :troll: 

OR YOU TELL ME AN ADDRESS WHERE HE FUCKING LIVES!

I leave them with..."I'm home all evening and would like an answer" 

So, at this point...I've basically handed you the answer. Why do I do this? Because I would feel as guilty as punching a blind man otherwise. Lie to me! Make up a fucking address. I'll still prove that you lied, and if you still don't like me after that, then I don't know what I can do. At least I get to work on it. A project if you will. The internet is an all knowing place filled with wondrous information. And I was a little bit looking forward to slapping you in the head with it. 

But about 20 minutes later she's now at my door. Cool. I don't usually like conducting business at my door, but the guy across the hall could use a reminder of what I'm capable of, so I let it slide. 

them"You know, this is ridiculous. He doesn't live here" 
Oh shit. The record is skipping again. 
me"You know, he admitted that he does. And if he lives somewhere else, all I need is an address." 
them"Well, he doesn't have anything here, just his clothes" 
Oh. This helps. 
me"His clothes, so he does live here" 
them"no, he just stays here" 
I could still be circling through the conversation now if I wanted to be, but I had to cut it short. I say,

"First don't make that face at me, my eyes are right here. Next, your options are (what was listed above) so why don't you go back downstairs and put some effort into your story and get on the same page. Come back up when you have something credible. I still want an answer tonight, because as mentioned, you've been pulling this shit off for a year, and it ends one way or another tonight." 

She called back in 10 minutes and gave her notice. 

Sidebar: The "who ya gonna report it to" comment

It took us a few minutes to realize what was happening. I'm not sure on the specifics, but can assume that seeing as I barely see anyone work that someone is getting government checks...checks that might stop, or be decreased because of the new living arrangement. 

So we can't have me pissed off, or asking questions and we certainly can't do a credit check. 

So instead, to continue the scam, we lose our house. 

Hope its worth it.