Friday, 15 June 2012

Black Betty

First the title I chose. She wasn't actually black, but Black Betty was in the movie Blow and this story features cocaine. Fuck yeah!

We knew there was a problem whenever we had to talk to her, because she'd come around through the sliding patio door instead of the front door. Why? Well, its usually either we don't like prying eyes seeing the state of the apartment, or there is shit piled in front of the door as we have run out of room to store said shit. Notice I said its usually one or the other? This was both. 

She knew everyone in the building. Anyone else's dope that they were getting in shit for was coming from her apartment. Quite the little entrepreneur. Dino and I are vehemently against pot in our buildings. It's an uphill battle. 

So she was handy when she gave us enough dirt to evict others. I'm also going to say, she was really a nice(r) person. I wouldn't have her over for tea and crumpets, but she didn't have that attitude of the world is out to get me, and you are part of that world, therefore I hate you. 

But then someone told us about a party from the night before that featured 3 out of 10 apartments converging into a mega party, that then ended up with a hammer being wielded, dents in someone's front door from said hammer and this girl being arrested. 

We go the next day and hear about it, and first its like why the hell wouldn't someone call us, but its like watching the Hangover. What the fuck happened here last night, and we need to get this shit together. 

So we start knocking our way down the doors until finally we get to hers. Bingo! That's the look we were looking for. Stringy hair, pale, kinda smelling like vomit and a raging headache. 

In the middle of that, Dino busts out on her, "dude, I hate to pile on to your day today, but this needs to end. Are you going to give me a letter that says you are moving, or am I going to give you one?" 

And pause. 

Here's a tip. This shit works more than you realize. This is the secret between someone that looks pro, and some bullshit manager that can't keep his head out of his ass. We have yet to actually go through with an eviction. Why? They are long, drawn out affairs and until its done, you are always waiting for what damage is going to happen, and what bullshit you are going to have to go through. Ask for the fucking sale!

"Hi! Do you want me to fuck you today, yes or no?" It's that easy. Here's what fucking you looks like: security deposit? gone. Suing for additional damages? Check Shitty reference? Oh check yeah. You need a list of what I'm going to use to evict? Here it is. Need I continue? 

Or, we can bring this to an end, get you some money back from your deposit, smooth out a few rough spots in a reference call and shake hands. 

This only works if there is a hint of logic left. Some people are just too far gone. These are the people that think the way they live is normal, which ps, flip open Canadian Living or BH&G. Do you see a picture that resembles your home? Then no honey, it ain't normal. The only one that we had to pursue in this manner was the heroin addict from page 1 or 2. Obviously, logic wasn't going to work on him, although as I type that, I did convince him to sign a paper releasing any claim to his damage deposit. 

And un-pause. 

So we pull up to the end of the month, and she has found a place to live. So this just in, there is an owner of a basement suite that should really learn to properly vet tenants. 

The place looks worse than those abandoned Chernobyl apartments. The beige carpet is black. The walls look like swiss cheese. Dino had to use the washroom and called to ask if she could go in, and gets an answer of yeah, I'd prefer not. There's blow on the kitchen counter. 

Hawt. So friggin' hawt. 

The carpet guy was there for 5 hours cleaning the carpet. He said straight up that he could do a 4 bedroom house in the same amount of time.

Anyway, we made good, and shook hands. 

I did have to put my 2 cents in, and as she asked me for help in removing something, I turned to her, alone, and said, "you know, I think you really owe Dino a real thank you, because if this was my building-I'd fuck you. Straight up. This is fucking ridiculous." 

And she did. It was truly sincere. In the end, I hope a little bit she makes good on her promise of getting her shit together.

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